I don't know how she does it... I saw this movie in red bow the other night and decided it was meant for me to watch it. It was okay, I wouldn't waste your dollar on it though.
In the last month I have been called superwoman by two people... Haha. I am anything but. I sometimes wonder how I mange my plate that is constantly overflowing. Oh that's right if it's overflowing I am not...The past two weeks have been hell for me (pardon my french). I know that everyone has different trails and struggles and sometimes life can be difficult..I do not think my challenges are worse then yours, I only know that sometimes I feel like I am being punched in the face. Yes, I really know how being punched in the face feels. For me I am constantly struggling with my roles as a wife, mother, friend, student and all the things they encompass by my choosing.
Yesterday I had a section of my Capstone due.. It was thirty pages long. For that same class I had a two page journal entry due, and paper work due. Today I had a 15 page paper due, an hour presentation to do. For this paper I had to have five journal research articles and do annotated bibs for them. Can you say stressed? Say it! okay just kidding.. I choose not to do homework while Ava is awake. I do make exceptions to this rule but not with out consequences. Which include Bryce and Ava going to Idaho all day on Saturday so I can work. The other usually results in Ava or I getting frustrated.. I really try to avoid the last one. I also make great progress on the Saturdays they leave. I however miss them like crazy. It's my weekend so I should be with them. So to make it work, I am usually up late doing homework, up early and sending them away on Saturdays. I am a very ambitious person and like to succeed in in life. Going to school and graduating was/ is a very important part of me. Growing up I thought I would go to school, graduate, go on a mission, gets my masters, work then get married and have kids at 30... and once that happened I was going to be a play time mommy.. Meaning by choice I would stay at home. This is not how my life has worked, I have had struggles getting through school and some real big bumps to get over..
This leads me to the one insecurity that pulls at my hear strings. Bryce and I have prayed a few time about rather I should stay in school and finish and we have always felt it was the right thing. Even knowing that I struggle with it because I have a beautiful little girl who calls me "mommy". Ava has taught me so much and is one of the greatest joys I have ever known. I know that I want to be with her and see all the silly things she does. I have been really busy and there have been days where I barley get to see her. I have the privilege of going into her room and watching her sleep and cuddling her. But it doesn't take away the guilt when I drop her off at the sitters for 2 to seven hours depending on the day. We have been blessed to have kind sitters who are also flexible which has helped me a lot. That being said, when I drop her off and she says no mommy or clings to me I have to hold back the tears because I know she will be just fine after I leave. Their are times that I get into my car and burst into tears because I just left my child who needs and wants me. While I finish up another goal of mine. I sometimes feel like the most selfish person because I have been called to be her mom. I know that their are so many women out there that would give anything to have what I have.
Last night I was up late finishing up my paper. Ava woke up as I was going to bed and was scared so I comforted her.. Which last until 2:30 am, I then went and got Bryce because I was getting impatient. Who then got her to sleep a little after three. I planned on waking early this morning to do a run through of my presentation and put finishing touches on my paper. I slept through two alarms and managed to turn both off. We got up at 9:20 Ava was suppose to be at the sitters at 10. I got her breakfast and ready by 9:40. My mom then called and asked me how I was doing? I am good was my response then I lost it... I haven't had a full nights sleep in two weeks, I have had two big projects due and a few little ones. I am doing my internship hours and can't tell you the last time Bryce and I sat down to really talk. Did I mention I woke up ornery..and I am currently on fertility medicine so we have baby number 2 and the side effects SUCK! So yes I cried to my mommy for the first time in years (we do not have a very good relationship). It felt great and I was so glad she called at that moment because I needed the words only she could have provided me with and I am so grateful I answered a call I almost ignored.
My presentation went well. I got out of class and hour early. Picked up dinner (panda express), finished putting Bryce and Ava's v-day gifts together. Knocked on the apartment door ( my arms were full) and got the two best hugs from my loves. We ate then Ava and I put on our swim suits and went swimming in the tub. Once Ava was in bed, I got to cuddle with Bryce. I fell asleep which is why I am awake now.
I know this is a long post, it turned out a little differently then I had planned. I guess i just needed to get it out. With everything I have mentioned in here, I wouldn't trade any of it. It has made me stronger a better wife, mother and student. "It is better to look up" (President Monson). That my friends is what has kept me going at my worst.. Tomorrow I will blog about cherishing the little moments... not nearly as long and pictures to be included.
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